


all the king's men

by vosian_nightmare



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Pre-Episode: s06e20 The Future, Vomiting, again not graphic but it is there, also steven is babey and i will do anything to protect him, its not graphic but its there, steven n co deal with what happened, though its probably 65/35
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23371408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vosian_nightmare/pseuds/vosian_nightmare
Summary: They laid him out on the couch, careful even though he slept like the dead. Greg sat next to his head and refused to move from his spot. He simply ran his fingers through his hair and worried. Connie sat by his feet. She stared at her phone blankly and pressed it every so often when she seemed to zone back in. Eventually she called her mom. She rushed to explain everything that happened, ignoring how her voice broke on Steven’s name every time she said it.Dr. and Mr. Maheswaran were in the car before their conversation ended.The gems...the gems were at a loss.-Steven and his family after the events of "I am my Monster".
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Everyone
Comments: 53
Kudos: 328





	1. all the king's men

Once he started, there was no stopping the endless flow of miserable words that poured out of him. Everything he was ignoring, everything he was trying to just forget about, all of it.

He laughed because everything was fine damn it. He laughed past almost revenge-murdering White, he laughed past his shattering and consequential healing of Jasper. It was when it clicked ( _he could cause any problem and fix it and be crowned a saint_ ) that he stopped laughing

He was no saint.

He was a shatterer. A disaster waiting to happen.

Distantly, he felt the floor come up beneath him, all his friends ( _not his family, not after what he did_ ) closing around him, closing him in.

Caging him in

nowhere

-to go

_escape_

He wanted to _s c r e a m_

* * *

The sky was as blue as ever.

There was a _( Destroyed p i n k coat )( s c a l e s )_ blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

There were tears on his face and questions and apologies dying in his throat.

There was Lion.

There was sobbing.

There was relief.

* * *

Steven cried for a full 15 minutes before the exhaustion from the day caught up to him.

Greg stopped rubbing calming circles into his son's back when the sobs evened out into deep sleep breathing. He slowly bundled him in the blanket Pearl and Garnet grabbed from the house and carefully picked Steven up. Greg took a breath before speaking, trying to hide how his voice cracked. "Let's go home." His eyes never left his son's restless, sleeping face.

  
  
  


They laid him out on the couch, careful even though he slept like the dead. Greg sat next to his head and refused to move from his spot. He simply ran his fingers through his hair and worried. Connie sat by his feet. She stared at her phone blankly and pressed it every so often when she seemed to zone back in. Eventually she called her mom. She rushed to explain everything that happened, ignoring how her voice broke on Steven’s name every time she said it.

Dr. and Mr. Maheswaran were in the car before their conversation ended.

The gems...the gems were at a loss, even Garnet. She laid a bowl out next to Steven but after that, she was lost. They all were. The Diamonds sat on the beach and looked in through the...hole...Steven made. They also, intentionally or not, turned away people and gems seeking answers from Steven. They had enough sense between the three of them to not answer any questions with anything more than a “not now”.

Pearl paced. Her ever-sharp mind was muddled with questions. How? How did this happen? How long has Steven been suffering for? Did he mean it when he said he...shattered Jasper? And then her thoughts circled back around to the beginning and she started another lap.

Garnet’s thoughts were torn and her hands shook with the effort it took to stay together. She sat on the floor and tried to still her mind, or at least her hands. Half of her was focused on the past, cataloging every interaction with Steven, trying to find where things went wrong with him. The other half was trying to see what was going to happen to him, if he would be okay, if he would recover from this, if he’ll even wake up. Three eyes and future vision but she still felt so blind.

Amethyst sat on the coffee table, trying to be as close to Steven’s sleeping form without smothering him or stealing Greg or Connie’s rightful spots next to him. She had Connie’s speech on loop in her head, playing alongside what she said, what she could hear the others say, what Steven said before, and a song from the video game she was playing prior that really didn’t fit with her somber mood. She thought of everything Steven did for her. She thought of what he did for everyone he knew and how little he got in return and she got **pissed**. But she took a useless breath and focused on the stupid fucking song stuck in her head to calm her down, and Steven. 

In the end, they all focused on Steven. 

He woke up eventually. Eighteen hours after he passed out, to be exact. The first thing he did when he realized what happened was to try to apologize. But any apologies he had lined up were cut off by him promptly leaning over and throwing up.

'Pearl point for Garnet', Amethyst thought.

Greg rubbed circles in his back while tremors racked his body and he dry heaved. “It’s gonna be alright, kiddo.” Steven shivered and shook his head in response. Connie cried softly into her father’s shirt as her mother stepped in. 

“Steven?” She asked gently. She knelt in from on him and he refused to look at her. “Steven, I need you to look at me. Please?” Reluctantly, he looked up and for a moment her soft brown eyes met his. Steven’s eyes were red and puffy but, thankfully they were his kind black and not neon pink. Dr. Maheswaran internally breathed a sigh of relief. But after a split second he went back to looking at the floor and pulled the blanket around his shoulders closer. She noticed his other hand was holding the blanket above where his gem was and wondered if it was a response to stress or pain. Either way, she needed to do a check up. You don’t transform into a three or four story tall...being without one or two repercussions, magic or no. 

Grabbing her stethoscope, she said, “Steven, I need to check out your heartbeat and your breathing. Do you mind unraveling the blanket so I can do that?” Dr. Maheswaran could tell he didn’t want to because he pulled it tighter around himself, and she was minutely aware that he didn’t have any clothes on underneath. But she just wanted to see his chest and back, and he, still reluctantly, relented when she told him this.

He kept the blanket around his shoulders but let the front open around his chest so Dr. Maheswaran could do her thing. She hid her surprise when she noticed the pink splotches of what was almost scales or hide on his stomach, sides, and shoulder. Before listening to his heart and gem, she needed to know, “Steven, do these hurt?” He didn’t respond. “Steven?” She pressed, and he shook his head. She backed down but made a mental note to come back when he wasn’t so raw.

Instead she ran through the motions learned in medical school, letting her hands do the work and tried not to think of the shaking boy in front of her and what he’s been through.

* * *

Pearl offered to make him food after Dr. Maheswaran finished checking him out.

“I just wanna take a shower and put some real clothes on.” It was the first coherent sentence he’s been able to put together since “I’m a monster.” Pearl looked ready to argue but he choked out a please and she relented as long as he promised to not lock the door.

It didn’t matter, in the end. He took one look at the ruined state he left the bathroom after healing Jasper and decided he’d rather just go lay in bed.

When he went to cross the living room towards the stairs, he noticed everyone’s eyes on him. They all seemed to want to say something but he didn’t care. As selfish as it sounds, he doesn’t want to assuage their fears, their bad thoughts. He felt like shit, and he’d be damned if he didn’t want someone else to feel like shit too for once.

It made him feel worse.

But he didn’t stop. He didn’t acknowledge any of the eyes tracking his slow process up the stairs. He just had the worst possible day anyone can have so he was gonna go upstairs, out on some pants, crawl into bed, and hope he’ll fall into a coma until this all works itself out.

Except, he got as far as his clothes on before his plan failed. In the corner of his eye his ukulele grabbed his attention. And once it had it, Steven couldn’t take his eyes off it. Miraculously, the fragile thing survived his rampage. It’s dusty, faded colors only seemed to reflect how he felt and for the first time in a long time, he felt drawn to it.

Throwing his last plan out the window, Steven grabbed his ukulele and his blanket and jumped off the balcony down to the beach.

The sun was setting on Beach City. With the Diamonds having been recalled back to Homeworld and the others trying to respect his privacy, slipping out to the waterfront wasn’t hard. He walked around the cliff towards the boardwalk and sat out near the water. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see people watching the boardwalk, most of them (thankfully) paying him no mind.

Sighing, Steven began tuning his ukulele. He wasn’t sure why he was out here anyways. He had no energy, no song ideas, and no intention of being dragged into a conversation. But he needed to get out of the house and out from under all the unwanted attention.

It suddenly hit him that he didn’t know what day it was. He paused for a second. It’s been at least five days since he followed any sort of schedule. Three days with Jasper, a few hours on Homeworld, a day completely fucking up Little Homeschool, and then nothing but flashes of pink and pain. Steven released his tight grip on the ukulele before he (messed up one more thing) accidentally broke it.

So it was an unknown day, at an unknown hour, and he’s sitting on the beach with a blanket around his shoulders and an out-of-tune ukulele. A part of him laughed. It reminded him of the good old days, before he had his powers. Back when he and his dad would spend hours together, learning to play new songs and making up new ones. Before he had to worry about fixing anything.

This time, the fragile wood groaned under his grip.

He took a deep breath and went back to tuning the last string before strumming it. Perfect.

Steven’s hands paused. What to play. He thought back a few years, after they got back from their (eventually) successful trip to Homeworld. He played the first few notes of his unfinished song, the lyrics coming back to him.

I don't need you to respect me,

I respect me.

I don't need you to love me,

I love me.

His voice falters but he doesn't stop.

But I want you to know

You could know me.

If you change your mind.

“Hey, Steven!” The last note faltered and he winced. He turned to see Jenny and Kiki, along with the other ‘Cool Kids’.

He tried for a smile and hoped it passed. “Hey, guys.” They all sat around him and he wondered how much they knew.

“So,” Jenny started and he mentally prepared himself. “What was all that about?” She asked, her hand waving vaguely towards the water. Steven didn’t remember much from...all that...but he did vaguely remember water so he assumed they were talking about his...that.

But all that was figured out after he freaked out and asked “W-what?”

“You know, the pink monster that almost destroyed your house?” Kiki said it like it was supposed to be the most obvious thing in the world.

_Monster_

Thankfully, Sour Cream took over the conversation before Steven’s thoughts could spiral out of control. “Yeah, it was totally cool until Mayor Nanafua called for evacuation.” He shrugged. “I’d rave to it.”

“Yeah, Gunga wouldn’t tell us what was going on.”

“And when we tried to go to your house, the big colorful ladies turned us away.” They all looked at Steven expectedly.

They all looked at Steven for answers.

His grip on the ukulele tightened and he shrunk under their gazes. “I-I don’t really want to talk about it.” He stuttered, but thankfully his voice didn’t falter or break.

Ever insightful, Kiki asked “Hey, Steven, are you alright?” He felt her gently place a hand on his shoulder but he could feel his thoughts spiraling again.

Was he alright?

_Was he alright?!_

Before he could truly let the rage sink in, he felt something lick his face. Lion. He felt like crying again. Lion always seemed to know when he needs him.

Instead of answering Kiki’s question, he just pet Lion. “Hey buddy, what’s up?” Lion looked back towards the Temple and that’s when he heard it.

“Steven?!” Connie was running towards him, yelling his name.

They know he sneaked out. Shit.

“Shit.” He debated hiding in Lion’s mane but he figured Connie could probably figure out how to follow him, magic or not. Instead he just sat there waiting for her to catch up.

“Steven, where have you been?!” She asked, incredulous. He just shrugged and held up his ukulele.

The Cool Kids were looking back and forth between the two of them, confused.

“Steven, you can’t just run away like that after what happened! You’ve got everyone worried.” Connie helped him up and fretted over him for a minute before they turned to leave.

But before they did, Steven half turned back to the group still sitting on the sand.

“It was me.” he said,

“The monster, it was me.”

* * *

The gems toed the line between smothering and chastising when Connie brought him back to the house. To him, they all seemed to be talking at once about him, not to him, so he just went back to sitting on the couch and continued to tune his ukulele despite it already being tuned. 

“Maybe we should think about sending him to a therapist.” The third string on his ukulele snapped with a loud ‘thwang’ and all eyes were back on him.

“No.” 

“S-Steven-” Pearl started.

“No!” He stood up, fists clenched at his side and ukulele forgotten on the floor. “I’m not going to a therapist. I’ll stop working at Little Homeschool, I’ll take time for myself, but I’m not going because I’m not _broken!_ ” As he yelled the last word he knew it wasn’t true. He was as broken as the windows and mugs he broke every time he yelled, including this time. 

Thankfully, there was no pink glowing or swelling but the others acted like there was. All of them rushing to apologize, to calm him down before he had another...another-

Episode.

The only words that broke through the myriad was his father’s soft voice next to him. “Hey it’s alright, bud. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Steven sat back down, relieved. “But,” He glared at his dad, but Greg didn’t falter. “Remember what Connie’s mom said back at the hospital?”

He remembered.

“You’ve been through a lot, kiddo. Therapy isn’t giving up, it’s just there to help you understand what happened and how it affected you.” Steven felt his dad wrap an arm around his shaking shoulders. “You aren’t broken, Steven. You’re just hurting.”

He remembered the splotches on his stomach. Around his gem. His voice cracked as he sobbed. “Am I gonna be okay?” 

His dad’s smile was sad and he scooped Steven into a bear hug. “It’ll take time, but you’ll be okay.”

Yeah, it’ll be okay.


	2. all the king's horses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven continues to try and heal afterwords, and there are some rough steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Thanks for all the love yall 
> 
> i might keep updating as long as su is still my current hyperfixation which could be anywhere from a day to a few months so we'll see ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ me and my adhd make no promises lmao

It was Steven's first proper night's sleep he's had since his...episode so of course he had a nightmare.

Well, night terror would work better.

He doesn't remember the screaming or the thrashing, or his family's panicked tears as they tried to wake him up, or at least try to calm him down and keep him from clawing at himself. He doesn't remember the blood or the frantic Googling or the calls made to the Maheswarans.

What he does remember are emotions. Feeling scared and angry.

He remembers water all around him, up to his waist. Chains holding him back. Being afraid.

He remembers that feral need to get away. From what? He doesn't remember. Something's holding him back. The all-encompassing anger.

He doesn't remember the love. Only the feeling that his gem was burning, betraying him, and he needed to get it _o u t -_

And then it was morning. He was scratched up and sweaty and tangled up in his sheets, and though Steven technically slept through the night, he felt like he would have been better off having not gone to bed at all.

Steven could see Pearl’s form sitting in the doorway, her back to him. She hadn’t noticed he was awake, but he could notice she looked tired. Exhausted. The guilt stung through his scars.

“Pearl?” He saw her jump and turn to him. She tried to discreetly wipe tears from her eyes but Steven noticed anyway. He didn’t comment on it.

“Steven! You’re awake.” She walked over to him and silently fussed over how he’s doing. “Your father’s downstairs with Garnet and Amethyst.” Pearl paused. “They’re...making breakfast.” She trailed off, a testament to how much she trusted the three of them in the kitchen. Pearl was the one that usually cooked if Steven didn’t or if they ordered take-out.

Steven was glad he didn't have to worry about cooking today. He just didn't have the energy.

“How is...um, everyone?” Steven asked, scared of the answer. “How’s Beach city? And Little Homeschool?” It was the first time he asked about the school since.

Pearl tutted. "Everything's running fine, Steven. You don't have to worry about all that, okay?"

‘All that.’ Jenny referred to his episode as ‘all that’. Somewhere in the back of his head Steven knew he was making connections where there weren’t any but his brain supplied that information to him anyways.

He looked away from Pearl and traced the seams in his comforter. "I'm not hungry," he mumbled.

Pearl sighed. “Steven. You haven’t eaten in two days, maybe more. You expended a lot of energy when you…” she trailed off, not wanting to say the ‘c’ word, “A-and you are a growing boy. Hungry or not, I need you to eat. Please.” He shrugged. Pearl sighed and stood up (when did she sit down?). “I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.” And then he was alone.

Steven sat on his bed, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Eventually, he dragged himself out of bed, threw on some not-sweaty pajamas, and slowly made his way back downstairs.

The smell of food (potatoes, he thinks) hit him when he hit the landing halfway down the stairs and the empty feeling in his stomach hit him like a punch to the gut, making him nauseous.

This was a bad idea.

But it was too late to go back to bed. His dad had spotted him coming down the stairs. “Hey, bud. How’re you feelin’?” Steven shrugged, settling on a happy medium between lying (saying he’s fine) and worrying them further (he feels like he’s about to puke and scream and cry at the same time).

His dad looked tired. The two of them probably sported matching bags under their eyes.

Steven sat at the couch, squished between Greg and Amethyst. She leaned on him, trying to act casual but he could still feel the tension in her frame and the unusually gentle way she messed with him.

“Yo, how much longer?” She yelled over to Garnet and Pearl, who were trying to salvage the mess of a breakfast she and Greg tried to make. “We’re practically starved to death over here.” She nudged Steven, and he offered a small smile in response.

Maybe today wouldn't be too bad.

“Here you go.” Garnet gave him a mug of coffee and a plate of what looked like half-burnt frozen breakfast hash. Vegetarian, of course, even though he ate meat when he ‘trained’ with Jasper. Vegetarianism turned out to be just another thing he couldn’t do. “It was the best we could do.”

Oh, they were all staring at him now. “Thanks, Garnet.” She gave him a thumbs up and sat with Pearl at the counter, the two of them attempting a normal conversation. Amethyst dug right in, avoiding eating the plate since he complained a few weeks ago about having to buy a new set every month.

Greg ate bits of it, avoiding most of the burnt pieces. Steven pushed it around on his plate, not eating. Usually, he’d dig in right alongside Amethyst, the bitter burnt taste not bothering him much. But today, he was just...too hungry.

Funny.

Steven noticed his dad eyeing him, so he took a small bite. He chewed longer than normal, and hoped when he swallowed it would take the edge off the hunger, even if just a little bit.

Oh, but that'd be too easy. Too good. In some sick, twisted way, eating only made his hunger worse.

Steven's fork clattered against the plate. He grabbed ( _clawed-_ ) at his stomach, his gem, hoping he could just-

-make the pain go away-

Faintly, he heard his dad and Amethyst panicking, with Pearl and Garnet close behind. But the ringing in his ears got louder as the cramps worsened. It drowned everything-everyone else out.

After what felt like an hour or three, the cramps subsided. Steven groaned. The coffee table was pushed back and his dad was kneeling in front of him. Steven felt his dad’s soft, calloused hands around his own, keeping him from trying to hurt himself. When he looked up into his dad’s face, Greg’s face went from worried to determined. “I’m calling Dr. Maheswaran.”

Steven just nodded and dry heaved.

* * *

“Mostly, he just needs water and some basic foods.” Steven was laid out on the couch, similar to how he was when they first brought him back in the house a few days ago. Dr. Maheswaran was talking to Greg and Pearl while Garnet, Amethyst, and Cat Steven kept him company. “Try saltines, and if that doesn’t help, put some salt on some plain bread. The salt should help with the nausea. If neither of those work, then he needs an I.V.” Steven tuned out and focused on the purring cat on his chest.

Petting Cat Steven helped keep his mind off the occasional stomach cramp, and Garnet’s hands running through his hair mixed with the cat’s purring was luring him to sleep.

At least until he felt Amethyst gently flick his cheek. “Nuh-uh, Ste-man. You gotta eat before you can sleep.” Traitor.

“‘m tired.” He mumbled.

“I know, but you gotta eat something, please?” Amethyst almost never said please. Steven sighed and sat up, handing Cat Steven to Garnet. He drank a glass of warm water before nibbling on some plain crackers placed in his hand by someone.

Thankfully, he was able to keep down enough crackers and water to satisfy Dr. Maheswaran and he was finally allowed to nap.

He didn't notice that he was up for less than three hours, but his family did.

* * *

After he woke up and ate some more crackers, Steven started to get cabin fever. His family ( _not-_ ) decided that someone had to be by his side at all times, making sure he was showered in love and saltine crackers.

It was nice, at first. It felt nice to be at the center of attention without some world-ending disaster thrusting him there. But after only a few hours, it started to get real old.

Thankfully, something came up at Little Homeschool, and the gems, who noticed Steven was getting a little (a lot) antsy, decided that it would be best to leave him with someone else for a little while. So Connie was called.

When she walked through the door, Steven felt...conflicted.

On one hand, he loved Connie, and nothing would ever change that.

On the other hand, from what he could piece together from his fragmented memory, she **kissed** him. They'd never-

And after everything he did-

Hoo, boy.

The gems had left, and Greg was asleep, and Steven needed to leave the house and maybe try to choke something that wasn’t plain crackers down. So he made his case.

“Connie, I need to get out of here.” At this point, he was lying star-fished on his back on the ground with Connie sitting next to his head. Greg stole the couch. “My dad’s snores are going to drive me crazy.”

“Steven,” Connie started, haltingly. “I’m not sure that’s the best idea.” Steven turned his head to look her in the eyes.

“Connie, I haven’t been out of the house since I snuck out like a week ago! I gotta see some sights, some real people, Connie!”

“It was yesterday, Steven. And I’m real. The gems are real. Your family is real." He huffed and sat up.

"Connie, please." After a beat, she relented.

"Okay."

He debated changing out of his pajamas, but in the end he didn’t feel like climbing the stairs up to his room.

"But you feel up for a walk?" Connie asked, skeptical.

“Connie, please don’t.” Whatever humor he had was gone, replaced with bone-deep exhaustion. Steven knew Connie was just looking out for him, but he needed to get out for a while. Maybe get a donut or two.

His stomach protested at that though so donuts were out. But still.

Steven and Connie walked arm in arm down the boardwalk, and Steven would be lying if he said he wouldn’t have tripped (several times) if Connie weren't there. The sun was low in the sky and the air was warm without being stifling.

It was nice. Better than being stuck inside.

Steven would also be lying if he said he didn’t notice the stares. Kiki waved when they passed her but he could see the concern and confusion in her eyes. He really did leave his friends with bombshell news and no explanation last night, huh?

He should explain. They deserve to know. But he was so tired and all he wanted was some food of the non-cracker variety so it just went on the pile of things to be guilty about.

Thankfully, Connie kept the conversation flowing for the both of them. She talked about school and the drama between her friends and how she got into an argument with one of her teachers. She talks about a book she read in her English class and how her teacher tries to make everything into a metaphor when the author was probably just sick. Or high. Or both.

It makes Steven laugh, a little. Talking to her always helped. She was so stable, so human compared to him. Connie was perfect.

And Steven loved her.

* * *

Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis visited the next day. It’s the first time he’s seen them and talked to them since the incident.

They treat him like he's made of glass and he hates it.

Peridot at least tries to be casual but she stumbles over her words and stops sentences when she feels it’d be too provocative for him. Lapis doesn’t say much but she watches him. Intensely, like he’ll turn again if she even so much as blinks. Bismuth is the weirdest. Her naturally rough and tough personality competes with her sudden need to be gentle around Steven as if he’ll break if she’s too rough on him.

He hates it.

Steven misses his friends, the way they were before all this, but he doesn’t know how to tell them. Connie’s in school, his dad’s at work, and Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl are taking over at Little Homeschool for the day which means he’s got no one to give him advice.

So he's stuck with three mirror versions of his best friends.

Peridot’s filtering through the TV, trying to find something with no crying or yelling or anything else she feels could set him off. Bismuth and Lapis are arguing over if having Steven express how he feels through art is too much for him to handle or is the first step to feeling better.

Steven, meanwhile, was trying to decide if there was anything in the house worth eating. He would look through the cupboards and see nothing, then move to the fridge and see nothing, lower his expectations, and repeat. It was his fourth time debating whether he was desperate enough to see if raw sugar tasted as good as he remembered as a kid that he decided he’d had enough.

At this point Peridot was wrestling the remote out of Lion’s mouth and Bismuth and Lapis’ argument delved into whisper-yelling about famous artists.

Steven stood half out the door with his flip-flops on and hands in his jacket, ready to leave and none of them noticed. He smiled despite it all. “Hey,” he yelled over the commotion. They all stopped to stare at him, only now realizing he could have easily snuck out again. “I’m going to go get something to eat, please don’t burn the house down.”

There was a pause as the door closed behind him before yelling erupted from inside the house.

"Wait-Steven-!"

"You can't just-"

"STE-VEN!"

They all fell through the door, Bismuth and Peridot following him down the stairs. Lapis flew up and landed in front of him in the sand, blocking his way to Beach City. “Woah, buddy. You can't-”

“What?” He cut her off as the others caught up with them. “Can’t what, Lapis? Leave the house? Fend for myself? Eat?” He was proper angry now. “I’ve been smothered, I’ve been followed, I’ve been watched and fed and all these other things, Lapis, and I’m scared that when I go to brush my teeth no one’s gonna just let me do it myself!” Steven took a breath to try and calm himself. “Just, let me do this. Let me just get some food.”

Lapis looked like she was about to cry. “Steven-” She started.

Bismuth placed a large hand on his shoulder. “Steven, listen.” She knelt down to be face to face with him. “I know this sucks, but you gotta understand that we’re worried.”

"I know-"

“Seeing you get-” Her words stumbled a bit but she didn’t stop, “corrupted scared all of us. You didn’t let us in. And now we’re scared of you going down that road. So when you go off without someone, we’re scared of what might happen. You could-” Bismuth’s breath hitched and Steven suddenly realized she was crying. They all were, including him.

Peridot put her hand on his other shoulder. “Steven, I’m sorry.” She had her visor off and her emerald green eyes shimmered with tears. “I know we’ve been a little,” she laughed, “overwhelming but we care about you.”

Lapis hugged him from behind. “Yeah, you’ve helped everyone so much and we want to help you but we aren’t as good as you and-” She was full on crying and the others weren’t too far behind. Neither was Steven.

They sat on the beach in a hug-cry pile until the other gems came back and found them all sleeping in a pile on the beach. Steven didn’t so much as stir with a bad thought as he slept.

Pearl discreetly took a picture.

Steven didn’t even realize until later that that was the first time anyone said the ‘c’ word out loud around him.

* * *

The next day, Steven goes to see Nephrite. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know in the notes at the beginning i said future chapters arent guaranteed but i wrote that before i finished the ending and now im excited to see what happens
> 
> this exchange is basically how i view the next chapter:
> 
> my professor, about my 5 page essay: wow i Cant Wait to see where you take this!  
> me, staring at an empty google doc: yea me too 
> 
> haha i use fanfiction to cope with my school life falling apart around me Have a good week!
> 
> also in making the pink text i kind of accidentally got rid of my ability to have italics in the middle of a paragraph without it being pink or bold or in its own paragraph so whoops ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I Am Not Good At Coding


	3. The King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven takes a big step towards recovery, and a smaller one, and in the end, the light at the end of the tunnel seems to shine just a little bit brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I downed about 500 cans of vanilla coke and watched The Train Scene from Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron about 500 times to pump this babey out so be proud
> 
> Also i wrote all of this in one sitting at 2 am so rip me i guess 
> 
> also also did you know that bryan adams and hans zimmer are gods? the spirit album is the only thing keeping me going nowadays u should listen to it right now this instant 
> 
> sound the bugle make me cry every time

Steven knew he had to talk to Nephrite. She was the only one who would know what he’s going through. 

Plus, they hadn't hung out in a while. 

He just needed to tell the gems, and they took it just about as well as he expected. 

“Ah, Steven, maybe this is a bit fast,” Pearl said carefully. “It’s only been a few days since-” She paused and looked at the other gems for help.

Steven crossed his arms. “Since I was corrupted.” He finished for her, knowing none of them would actually say it in front of him. And he was right, if the fact that everyone in the room went rigid meant anything. No one so much as breathed until Garnet stepped up.

"Steven," she tried. 

“What?" He asked pointedly. "It’s what happened and the only one not afraid to say it to my face was Bismuth.” Bismuth, who stayed for dinner along with the other two, sheepishly smiled and shrugged when the others turned to her. “I can’t-” He pulled on his hair to try to keep himself from getting hysterical. “I just need to talk to her, she’s my friend and the only one that knows what it’s like, what corruption is like.” He looked up at his family. “Please.” 

He would go with or without their permission, but it’s easier with it. 

Thankfully, his little speech worked and they relented, with conditions. “Okay, but we want to be there.” Amethyst pushed but Steven pushed back. 

“Only to walk with me. I want to talk to her alone.” The gems looked like they wanted to argue. 

“I think it’s a great idea.” Thankfully Greg spoke up from his spot on the couch, precariously balancing a bowl of cereal in his lap. 

"Really?" Steven asked hopefully. 

“Yeah, I think you really need to hash some stuff out, and if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it with us then Nephrite is our best option.” He smiled at Steven. “Plus, I’m still trying to get this whole therapy thing figured out.” 

“Okay, then.” Steven steeled himself with a breath. “Tomorrow?” 

* * *

Steven regretted ever opening his mouth ever in his life. 

In the morning, he packed his side satchel with some of Centi’s favorite Chaaaaps and threw on some real clothes, including his old green comfort sweatshirt that still fits. He wouldn’t say he was excited to have a talk with Nephrite, but he was excited to see his friend. 

Until he remembered what he did the last time he was at Little Homeschool. 

At the thought Steven froze in the middle of his room, staring at his hands, as more memory fragments pushed themselves into his mind. The memories brought more memories until he fell into a spiral. 

Homeworld. 

Homeschool. 

Pink. 

_I'm a monster-_

He messed up. He messed up big, and he was only just realizing now that he was going back to Little Homeschool after he messed up so much. He fucked up everyone’s lives, he can't- 

He can't- 

“Breathe, Steven!” Connie’s voice cut through his panic. She said she wanted to go with them because she hasn’t been to Little Homeschool in a while but Steven knew better. He hadn’t noticed when she came up the stairs, asking if he was ready but she was here, helping him bring himself back to Earth. “Steven, can you hear me?” He nodded. She breathed. “Maybe this isn’t a good idea.” She said to herself. 

“I can't go-I’m not ready to go back-” He hiccuped, not realising he was on the floor crying until now. “-to Little Home-” hic, “-school. Not after-” He trailed off, shaking his head. “Not after, not after…” 

Connie looked sad, and he hated it when she looked sad. When she was sad. He remembered back when they were Stevonnie and Garnet had given them lessons on how to stay together. He remembered the song, their song. 

It was just a thought... 

Except it wasn't. 

It wasn’t just a thought. What he did had consequences. Consequences he can’t just ignore. 

But he can't- 

He can’t face what he did or he thinks he might fall again. Like last time. He was scared of what he’d done, and who he’d hurt. 

(His mother’s choice to have him seemed to make sense all of a sudden, but following that thought is a spiral all on its own.) 

Connie was talking to him again and he was zoned way out. “I-what?” Her frown deepened. 

“I said maybe you should just take a break, Steven. This is all happening way too fast. My mother found someone, a colleague of hers, that she trusts. A psychiatrist. I think maybe that should be our first step.” 

Steven suddenly felt angry. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone-some **thing** else? Because whenever I see my reflection all I see is- is-” He pulled on his hair, his corruption scars burning. “I-I don’t know what I see but it’s not me, Connie! It’s not Steven Universe. It’s-It’s my mom, it’s Jasper with her new scars that **I** caused, it’s my corrupted form and Nephrite’s corrupted form and the empty version of myself without my gem, but Connie, it’s never just _me!_ ” He yelled the last part, but thankfully it wasn’t his Diamond scream, only a hurt teenage boy’s cry for help. 

Connie wasn't hurt, just...crying. 

Connie was crying. Because of him. Because of what he said. 

_Steven needed to get out of here._

Before Connie could recover, he was up and out of his room, leaving her behind. His family was downstairs waiting for him to go to Little Homeschool but he wasn’t going via warp pad. He wasn’t going to Little Homeschool. He wasn’t going with them. 

Steven grabbed the keys to the Dondai (thankfully left mostly unharmed in his rampage) and ran out the house. The gems called after him, confused, but he was already in the car and pulling out by the time they reached the sand. 

Steven’s hands were shaking and his satchel was pressed uncomfortably against his side, crushing the Chaaaaps, and his driving wasn’t perfect and he had to drive on some dirt roads and walk some distance but he made it to the Nephrites’ ship eventually. 

Nephrite, his Nephrite, was waiting for him. And she looked mad. Someone called ahead. 

Great. 

“Steven,” She crossed her arms as he came down the hill to where the Nephrites were repairing their ship. It was taking a while since they were completely updating their ship’s computers and engines, but no one was complaining. Steven and Centi hung out every once in a while, usually swapping stories over Chaaaaps or some other human food Steven brought. Well they did until Steven fell off the rails. 

“Hey, Centi,” He tried for casual, but it fell short at her unblinking glare. She usually smiled at the nickname, the inside joke between the two of them, but not today. “How, uh, how’s the ship?” He tried again. 

“Steven, what are you doing here?” It was a rhetorical question. He still tried to answer but she cut him off. “Your family is worried. They called us asking if you were here and explained what happened.” She took a few steps toward him. “Steven, please, talk to me.” He tried for a small smile and grabbed a small bag of crushed Chaaaaps. 

“That’s actually why I’m here.” 

* * *

Centi let her crew know she was taking some time with Steven and to call his family and update them while he sat in their spot near the edge of the field their ship was parked on. He faced Little Homechool, watching. They were close enough to see some of what was going on if he tried, but far enough out for some privacy. It was why Centi picked this spot in the first place. She always liked the grasslands of earth even before and, from what she could piece together, when she was corrupted. 

Plus sheep showed up sometimes and she they're her favorite. 

Getting the call that Steven, who just had a mental breakdown causing him to corrupt himself, was AWOL after having another mini breakdown about coming to see her was scary. 

Nephrite has been corrupted, yes, and she has the scars to prove it. But her corruption was due to the Diamonds’ carelessness and not her own mind turning on her. Centi couldn’t imagine what that was like. She didn’t want to. 

But right now, one of her own needs her. Steven may not be a part of her crew officially, but she’ll be damned if she didn’t care about him like he was. He cared for her when she needed it most, so she’ll be there for him when he needs her. 

And right now he needs someone. 

Steven didn’t so much as acknowledge Centi as she approached. His shoulders were hunched depressingly as he stared at Little Homeschool. From what she gathered, they were still cleaning up after his little ‘rampage’ and he had everyone worried. Word got around that the pink monster a couple days ago was Steven and the little updates his family had been giving them were only fueling the gossip machine. 

“How can you face your crew after what happened?” He asked, not unkindly. She told him how she felt so, so guilty for not getting her crew out fast enough. She knew he didn’t mean any insult. It still stung. “How do I face the people that I’ve wronged, Centi?” Steven finally turned to face her and it was only then that she noticed how empty his eyes looked. She was taken aback. “How do I face myself?” For once, Centi was at a loss. 

They sat in silence for a while, mulling over his words. The wind gently shifted the grass and it would have been picturesque. Centi pondered over what she should say to him. 

She finally settled on something. The truth. 

“You do it because you have to.” 

Steven turned to look at her, shocked. It was obviously not the answer he expected. Centi didn’t turn to look at him, instead opted to watch Little Homeschool. “What happened with my crew is out of my control. Could I have done something different? Yes, and I think about that every damn day. I think about it every time I see the scars on my crew, on me.” She turned to him, and he met her eye. “Steven, what happened to you is out of your control. You can’t change the past. And sometimes you can’t change the fact that some things will haunt you, but you can change how you deal with it. For me, I face my crew every day. I face my failures and I don’t let them stop me. And while my crew, my friends, are why I feel like a failure, they also support me.” Centi gently cups Steven’s face. “Your crew, your friends, your family will always be there to support you. You might not see you, Steven, but your family does.” 

Steven was full crying at this point. Centi pulled him in for a hug, her heart breaking. “It’ll be a long road, and you may never fully recover, but you will feel better with time and at your own pace.” 

The two of them sat like that for a long time. Steven cried until it was all out of his system with Centi holding him. It was almost nice. 

After a while, after Steven’s sobs dissipated, he pulled back and wiped his eyes. “Yellow offered to-” he breathed, “-get rid of my corruption scars. Should I take the offer?” Centi thought for a moment. 

“That’s a very personal choice, Steven." He looked disappointed with that answer so she kept going. "Yellow Diamond offered the same to us, and all of Little Homeschool. A lot of gems took it, including some of my crew, and I’m happy for them. Because, for them, it’s a sign of moving on from what happened, a new era in their lives.” 

He looked at her. “What about you?” He asked. “How do you see it?” 

She frowned and instinctively placed a hand on her arm where her biggest spot was. “I didn’t take it. Seeing these, seeing my scars, is a reminder to do better.” 

She saw him grab his shirt over where his gem sat. “Yeah,” he said quietly. 

* * *

Talking to Nephrite was nice. And while she was usually full of life and jokes, today he saw the commander in her come out. 

The two sat after their talk eating until Steven could make out the figures of his family walking towards them from Little Homeschool. He was scared to face them after what he did. He ran out on them. Again. This was becoming a bad habit, and in true Steven-form, he felt like running again. His car was right there and- 

As if she was reading his mind, Centi placed a gentle, steady hand on his knee. He thought back to what she said about facing the people he wronged and he settled back in his spot. 

It only took them a few minutes to reach them but to Steven it felt like eternity. He tried rehearsing what he was going to say to them, how he was going to apologise, but they all fell flat and in the end he had nothing to say and a stomach tied up in knots. 

Centi offered a wave when they arrived. Pearl offered a small smile back but the attention was back on Steven. 

“Guys, I-I’m s-” Before he could finish he was swept up into a big group hug. 

“No, Steven, we’re sorry.” Garnet said from above him. 

“I-I kept pushing and I should know better and-” Connie was crying and it made Steven cry. It was just like how he left her when he ran. “I should have known you didn’t want to take the warp to the school, I just didn’t see and I’m sorry-” 

“Connie,” He smiled sadly at her. “You don’t have to apologize, you aren’t a mind reader.” He looked back at where Nephrite sat and she smiled at him. “I-” he sighed, “I didn’t communicate very well, and I just felt trapped. I should have said that instead of running off, I’m sorry.” 

Connie hugged him tighter. 

When it was time to head back, they had to face the elephant in the room. Or, well, pasture. 

“So, feel like taking a walk through Little Homechool?” Amethyst tried. The thought of seeing everyone still made his hands shake. Centi’s advice came back to him. 

At your own pace. 

Steven took a breath before answering, knowing it’ll disappoint them. “No, I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.” He was right and everyone around him struggled to hide their disappointment. Everyone except Centi, who couldn’t look more proud despite the guilt he felt. 

“O-okay,” Pearl recovered. “Well, someone will drive back home with you and the rest of us will take the warp, unless, of course, you want us to come with you?” She was doing her best and Steven did his best to not get annoyed. 

“I think I’ll be okay with just another person.” Again, disappointment flashed across her face for a second before it was gone. 

“I’ll go with him.” Nephrite offered. Steven relaxed a little. “I never got to tell you what Nena broke this week.” He laughed a little. Nena, one of Centi’s crew, was the pilot but was terrible with the new technology. It was one of the things they liked to talk about and it offered a little bit of normalcy to everything that was going on. He needed it. 

"Yeah, I think I'd like that." 

* * *

One Month Later 

* * *

Steven had been seeing Dr. Aless for a few weeks, now. She was a kind lady and never seemed too weirded out by all his alien stuff. She’d come as a recommendation by Dr. Maheswaran and his dad jumped at the chance to send Steven to a proper therapist. 

Steven was less than thrilled, at first. The idea of talking about himself for an hour seemed not ideal, and the added effect of having to talk about the bad stuff made it even worse. 

But it was kind of nice. She didn’t push very often and when she did, he often felt better about what happened, but not always. Dr. Aless said stuff like “it’ll take time” and “go at your own pace” and it reminded Steven of his talk with Nephrite. Dr. Aless reminded him a lot of Centi, actually. She could be funny, sometimes, when his meetings with her weren’t the serious kind. She even sent him memes on occasion, which Centi had started to do as well when Steven told her about his therapist. 

His favourite was one Centi made about bubbles. He showed it to Dr. Aless. 

He still hadn’t gone to Little Homeschool. It was one of his bigger obstacles along with actually having a talk with Jasper. 

But he was taking it one at a time. 

Winter was fast approaching and Fall had set in fully. He stood in front of the warp pad in his green hoodie and jeans, just like that day a month ago. His birthday was coming up and he wanted to be able to go to Little Homeschool to celebrate. 

So he just needed to get over this first obstacle. 

Steven had been standing in front of the warp pad, staring at it, for almost an hour now. His family had gone on to Little Homeschool so he could do this alone. He also made no promises. He’d tried this three times already to no avail. He still has yet to step on the warp pad. 

The gems were probably worried. Or disappointed. They’d probably warp back any second now, and they’d say “we can try again tomorrow” and “let’s get some food, bro” and he’d be free of the warp pad’s stupid presence until tomorrow. 

But he couldn’t keep doing this. Standing in front of the warp pad, waiting for his family to come back so he can get on with his life. It wasn’t a way to live. 

Steven got frustrated. He paced for a second, hyping himself up.

His family, his friends, were waiting on the other side. 

With a deep breath, Steven stepped on the warp pad. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me reading: i hate ambiguous endings. just tell me how it ended damn it!  
> me writing: think motherfucker
> 
> i think this is where i end it, seriously this time lol i just love the ending too much and i want you guys to think about how going to little homeschool went 
> 
> i think i teared up writing nephrite's little speech because just before writing this i had a small anxiety attack that i brought myself out of and i'd've loved it if someone said stuff like that to me 
> 
> i loved writing nephrite. i think shes my new favorite character that ive written. writing That bit in her pov wasn't my initial idea but once it was done, i realized i don't think i could've done better tbh. having someone who was out of the steven loop up until three seconds ago see what steven was going through packed a bigger punch (at least to me)
> 
> plus it left steven's thoughts ambiguous ;^) 
> 
> i love all of you and thank you so much for all of the kind words. ive never gotten this much love and it's why this fandom rocks! have a great life and stay safe out there, lovelies. <3 
> 
> -S

**Author's Note:**

> So this was fun.
> 
> I based Steven's reactions on myself whenever I have a breakdown. The day(s) after are always the worst for the person having gone through the breakdown and I tried to reflect that.
> 
> Also personal headcannon: Lion always knows when Steven is sad or angry or whatever. Not only is it good for the ~~plot~~ fluff but also because that means that *Lars* will always just know when Steven's sad. I can see him just being pissed about it and its just about the only thing that makes me laugh in these trying times lol


End file.
